Trauma and Triggers

“Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.”— American Psychological Association.

According to a recent study, about half of people will experience some form of trauma in their life. Huh. Interesting. In our house, more than half of our people have experienced some form of trauma.

Freedom. I speak with a lot of freedom about our sweet Caleb. About what we have learned through him and alongside him. Because he doesn’t mind. It doesn’t cause him any shame or embarassment. In fact, my sharing really just helps him. It helps others understand him better and come alongside him too. With all the compasssion.

Trauma is real. It impacts so many. It is never welcome, but sometimes, there it is. And the waves go on and on. They never really disappear completely. Hopefully, they get smaller and smaller and further and further apart.

Father’s Day 2021. Ok, so can I just say that Ryan is an amazing father. He takes such good care of all of us and loves us so big. He puts himself last. Again and again. He will do absolutely anything for our family. So, we wanted to make his day special. The obvious choice. Wasabi (the restaurant). He just loves the whole experience. And the white sauce. Seriously, bring him all the white sauce.

The Atkinson 7 met my parents there after church to celebrate Ryan and my sweet dad. All was well until we were at the hostess stand. Then it began. Panic. Complete and total panic. Caleb. His face was beet red. He began crying. Softly at first then louder and louder. All of us were scanning the room trying to figure out what he was so afraid of. He was just looking around, wild-eyed. We had to get to our table quickly.

I thought maybe it was all the commotion. If we could just get him settled. We put him in the seat farthest from the aisle. His siblings were hugging him and saying all the things to calm him. I got down on my knees so we were eye to eye, “Caleb. You are being silly. There is nothing to be afraid of. This is for Dad and Papa and we want it to be special. You must calm down.” I said the words calmly but firmly. That should do the trick.

Nope. He opened his mouth wide and screamed at the top of his lungs. Ok. Time to go.

Any of you that know Caleb, know that he is a joy-bringer. He wants to be happy. So what was this all about? A trigger. Something or someone in that place was a trigger that took him right back to a trauma. His mind was no longer present with us. His mind was with the trauma.

In 2012, Caleb had bilateral foot reconstruction at Vanderbilt. It needed to happen but I was a basketcase. We always knew he would need this surgery but it was not supposed to happen until he was at least a teenager. But he was only 6. A baby. My baby. I was only given 10 days notice that it was happening. I couldn’t process it. I had panic attacks for the first time in my life. It was more than my mind and heart could handle. I had to hand the burden over to the Lord. It was far too heavy for me.

The morning of the surgery we met with Dr. Lovejoy. Our major concern was pain management for Caleb. He said not to worry. His pain would be managed. If we needed him we were to call him. Ok. That sounded easy enough.

Caleb came out of surgery. He was wild-eyed. He was hysterical. We knew it wasn’t right. We knew that his pain was already out of control. And we were surgery pros by this point. Waking up from surgery is when the pain should be at it’s lowest. It only goes up from there. Something was wrong. Our nurse disagreed. And she wouldn’t call the Doctor. It was after hours. We were trapped.

Sidebar: Nurses are amazing. I have personally experienced hundreds of nurses. They make all the difference. They set the tone. They meet the need. I am so thankful for ALL the wonderful nurses that have gone the extra mile. They are a blessing straight from the Lord. They are a comfort.

This nurse. Was in the wrong profession. Period. We were nothing but a number to her. An inconvenience.

As Caleb’s pain grew and grew…..well, I can’t even describe it. The despair that Ryan and I felt. And Caleb was screaming so loud that we couldn’t come up with a plan or leave the room to find help.

Finally, in God’s goodness, came shift change. And Clay. Clay walked in the room and knew this wasn’t right. This little boy should not be in this kind of pain. He figured it out. Caleb was only getting a bolus pain medication. It was a strong one but it was only good for one out of every four hours. And it had been at least 10. Caleb was so far behind the pain that the bolus drug couldn’t even do its job. It was bad. So bad. Caleb even tried to get out of bed and run out of the room. On his casted, broken, bone-infused feet. Trauma.

Here we are. Nine years later. There are still triggers that take him back to that trauma. The list goes on and on…. people in wheelchairs or with prosthetic limbs, hospitals or anything that resembles a hospital, blood draws, Wasabi….. Yep. Think about it. The hats. The tools that they clang around on that cooktop. The cooktop itself, it looks like a surgical table.

Sometimes I just say the same old things don’t I? Caleb has taught us so so so much. And it is crazy how the Lord has used all that to equip us for expanding our family.

Children from hard places. That is how children in foster care are often described. In other words…. Children from trauma. When any one of my children is disregulated. When any one of my children is not themselves. When any one of my children is extra clingy. When any one of my children isn’t feeling well….. I have to ask myself, “Is this trauma related?” If so, what was the trigger? How can we work through it together? How can I point this child to Christ? To His grace, mercy, love and provision. I am writing all that as a reminder to myself. Because what I want is comfort and convenience. I don’t want to deal with the never-ending waves of trauma. It’s just so much.

But it’s not too much. In His strength it can be done. It can be done well. And to His glory. And actually, I don’t even have to be rocked by the waves. That’s really up to me. And my dependence on God’s Word.