Key Words

Why was going anywhere such an ordeal? When Caleb was younger, probably up to age 7, it was a deal to go anywhere. Seriously, it was hardly worth it. He would FREAK OUT. Especially getting out of the car at our away-from-home destination. Always.

Being a first time mama is hard on anyone. Having a special needs child is pretty much next level. For so many reasons. As that child grows and changes, everything changes. And there is no one who can really guide you. All the doctors say, “You know him best mama.”

As we made our rounds to specialist after specialist I would listen hard. For the key words. The words that would help me. The words that would be another piece of the puzzle. And make sense of our chaos.

Disorientation. That word was thrown at me. In the middle of a bunch of other words. The doctor said it like it was old news. It wasn’t for me. It was headline news. But that is how it goes as a special needs mama. No one knows what you already know. They assume you know things that you don’t. A lot. Then, once you realize these precious nuggets, you realize how behind you really are. Further evidence of your failure.

When I was a little girl we rarely went to the movies. And if we did it was a matinee. I still remember that feeling of walking out the side door after a 2 hour movie. I was so shocked it was light outside. And where was our car? We came out of a different door than where we went in. The state of not knowing where you are in space. That is disorientation. And that is where Caleb lived.

The explanation for that is still forming. We have suspected a brain injury that occurred during pregnancy. Maybe a stroke. Maybe a hemorrhage. But practically, it really didn’t matter why. Practically, it just felt hard.

I am a student of my children. That started with Caleb. I learned him backwards and forwards. As information about him came to light, I learned how to use it to our advantage. From the very beginning I noticed that water was a huge comfort to him. I would put that sweet, hysterical baby in the bathtub and he would be calm in a matter of minutes. Later I learned that water was grounding him. It was covering his skin and nerve endings. It was showing him exactly where he was in space.

Two years ago the good Lord blessed Ryan and I with the perfect additions to our family. But it wasn’t perfect. It was hard. In fact, it felt like chaos. Alexa had so much anxious energy that she couldn’t sit down or sleep. We saw her darling face at 5 am each morning and she had to stand at the table to eat. Collin raged. And raged. And raged. Cheyenne was attached to me. Literally touching me as many minutes of the day as possible.

Our caseworker came by for a visit. Disregulated. She threw out that word like we had talked about it a million times. Nope. It was headline news. These precious three were disregulated. They had no ability to regulate their emotions. Because of past trauma. Because of current trauma. Us. The Atkinson home. It was trauma to them. They had no idea how long they would be with us. They had little to no connection with us. They didn’t understand our rules or the way we function. They didn’t know if they could trust us.

It was a nugget. We could use it to our advantage. What they all needed was love and security. And patience. So much patience. They also needed structure and boundaries.

I won’t bore you with the details of how we set about doing these things (at least not today). But lets just say that God used what He taught me through those early years with Caleb. And he even used Caleb. When our sweet Collin was coming down from a rage he would often crawl into Caleb’s lap and put those big, heavy, low muscle tone arms over his little tiny self. A brother is better than a weighted blanket. Especially with that big ol’ heart.

And Silas. Steadfast Silas. What an impact that boy has had on all four of his siblings. They can all count on him. To be kind. To put himself last. Which is why he waited a little too long. To give us his key word. Displaced. He wasn’t quite sure of his place in our family or even what our family had become. It was hard.

God has worked so big in all of our hearts. We are truly a family.

We put in a pool 6 months before we became a family of 7. We had a peace about that. And now I see why. It has been an amazing therapy tool in our journey. As you know, water works wonders for frayed nerve endings.