Setting the Bar

Expectations. We all have them. We have them of other people. We have other people who have them about us. Some expectations are good and healthy. Some are not.

Two years ago, Cheyenne came into my life. She was so sad. So sad and so anxious. As I tried to connect with her, and really understand where she was coming from, something came to light. At nine years old she was able to unjumble all the jumbles in her head and say this, “When we go to a new home, all the rules are different. Sometimes there are a lot of rules. But I can’t learn them all at once. And there are also the rules that nobody tells you. Those are the worst ones.”

Expectations. They are often unspoken. They really can be the worst ones.

Setting the bar for what we expect can be very simple. It can also be quite challenging. Sometimes we set the bar in the wrong place. Maybe we set it too high. Or even worse, maybe we set it too low. We do not want anyone reaching for a bar that they could never grasp. We certainly don’t want them stepping over the bar without even noticing it.

Caleb has always had such wonderful educators and therapists (well almost always). These people give so much of themselves because they love it. They love these special kids. They try and set the bar exactly where it should be. They look for all the potential and they do everything they can to get there. They come to birthday parties and baseball games… they care and they change lives.

Sadly, there are the ones who don’t belong. We have only experienced that once. But it was devastating. This lady is no longer in special ed. Thankfully.

Caleb was 4. He was in a pre-K special ed program through Knox County. He was only in the program for 2 months before I pulled him out. And this was why. (There were actually several concerns prior to this conversation but this straw broke the camels back for sure). I was picking Caleb up from school one day. I asked the teacher if I could talk to her for a few minutes. I proceeded to tell her that I was concerned about Caleb’s development in speech. I wasn’t blaming her. I wanted to know how I could help him at home. She got angry. She practically spit these words at me, “What in the world do you expect?! He’s handicapped.” I had never before and have never since had any teacher or teachers aid or therapist speak to me about Caleb in that way.

There was no bar at all. Unbearable.

So now we come to my starting point for this post. Weird huh? I have zero training in writing, so I basically make up my own rules. A lot. I purposefully use sentence fragments. Is that a thing? I also often have my starting point somewhere in the middle. My “starting point” is what spurred the blog. It’s what hit me during the week that I had to write about.

Kate. Lady Kate Bahruth if we are being fancy. And she is. This little girl is something special. I am tearing up as I write. Because I love her. I love her so much. She has been through a lot. So much hard happened before she was even born. And some more hard came after. But she is an overcomer. I just see it. Her whole family sees it. Her friends see it. Her therapists see it. Honestly, it’s pretty hard to miss.

Us mamas are on the hunt all the time. We are looking for what is best for our children….those that God has trusted to our care. We are looking for the right friends. We are looking for the right school. We are looking for experiences that delight our children.

For mamas of children with special needs, the stakes are so much higher. We are also on the hunt for the perfect doctors, diets, and therapists. Just to name a few. And they can make you or break you… and that sweet child.

It’s so interesting how God knits believers together. Samantha (Kate’s mom) and I have known each other for a few years now. But, through Kate, the Lord is bonding us deeply. I am 13 years ahead of Samantha in the special needs journey. My life is certainly a lot more settled than hers by now. We mostly have our rhythm. So, I am able to be a support to Samantha. What a blessing! However, that requires a level of maturity on my part…. and sometimes I have to work really hard to remember that.

Maintenance. That means “to keep something at the same level or rate.” That word was used in reference to Kate recently. In reference to 2 1/2 year old Kate. By a professional. By someone who was supposed to help her. They dropped the bar. They lost sight of her potential.

And you know what? I have no doubt that person loves Kate. I am sure that they had no idea that they said a curse word. Yep. From now on that is a curse word in my book in reference to Kate. Words are powerful. We all need to remember that. We can’t unsay anything. We can backpedal. We can clarify. But we can’t unsay.

In God’s provision, Kate has a whole team of people that love her. So many wonderful people who have that bar high…. right where it should be.

Last weekend Alexa was invited to a Ninja birthday party. The birthday boy said that Cheyenne and Collin could come too because they all go to the same school. So nice! Just before it was time to leave, Caleb starting begging to go. Alexa was insistent that he not. She loves Caleb so much so I thought that was weird. I pulled her aside and asked her what was up. “I don’t want him to go because most of those kids have never seen him before. They will stare at him with that weird look. Then I will have to go all ninja on them. Then I will get in trouble. Then Caleb will be stressed. It will be a whole thing.”

I’m just being honest. The struggle is real for me when someone uses the word “maintenance” in regard to Lady Kate Bahruth. I am definitely going all ninja on them in my heart. Not cool. I know it’s not. I’m just sayin’….. don’t test me. 😉