If I only knew…

I realize that a lot of my blogging lately is about Caleb. Being Caleb’s mom. What I have learned from being Caleb’s mom. Today is no different. At least that is where I will start.

If I only knew…a diagnosis. If felt so important. I mean come on. If I am going to be the mom of a special needs child I deserve a diagnosis. How could I possibly care for him without one? How will I know what to do? In the Lord’s strength, that’s the only way. I am saying that like I knew it all along. Sadly, I didn’t. Really, if I am being honest, I am still learning it today.

This is basically a sidenote, and not really what this post is about. But, I feel like some of you are now distracted with thoughts of, “Wait what? Caleb doesn’t have a diagnosis? I thought he had ________.” Nope. Caleb has been through the whole process of diagnostic testing. First at the University of Tennessee, then at Vanderbilt. Nothing. Nada……Um. What? Come again. Thankfully, as you know, the Lord saw fit to give us Dr. Glover. He didn’t care one bit that Caleb had no diagnosis. He always says that we are all learning along the way. And it is easy for me to take cues from that sweet man. I trust him. We all trust him.

In the early years of Caleb’s life the problems felt insurmountable. There were just so many. He wasn’t sleeping. He was sleeping too much. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t talking. He was so impulsive. He was in pain. We had no money. I couldn’t get him into the right school. Just as soon as we had a handle on one thing the next would come crashing into it. Out of nowhere. But there was always a provision. Just in time. Looking back the provisions are clear. But at the time I was just so tired. And honestly, I didn’t have the faith. I didn’t have the faith to look for them. I didn’t have the faith to ask for them. I didn’t have the faith to see them as they came. I didn’t have the faith to thank the Lord for them when they did come. But you know what? When my strength and hope were gone, God did it anyway. He cared for me and opened my eyes in the process.

It became impossible not to see. God’s provision. An anonymous $500 in the mail. The perfect preschool teacher and preschool class (shout out to Mrs. Polly!!! You met the need!) The perfect orthopedist who had a special needs daughter of his own that resembled Caleb. And on and on. So many provisions. God’s perfect provisions. He had planned them from the beginning of time.

The youth at our church participate in Bible quizzing. It is hard core! They learn entire books of the Bible. I mean exactly. Word for word. Then they go to meets where they are tested on their knowledge. It is no joke! There are buzzers and everything. A few years ago they learned the book of James and I learned it alongside them. It was so hard. But wow. God’s Word was in my mind all the time. I had to practice a lot! Sadly, because I wasn’t diligent in continuing to review it, I can no longer recite the book of James. But, the truths of James 1:5-8 have remained stuck in my head.

James 1:5-8 ⁵ But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that person ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, ⁸ being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Wow! Are you getting this?! If we ask for wisdom, and believe that he will give it to us (without any doubting), He will!!! If we doubt we can’t expect a thing from God and we are in fact double-minded and unstable. It’s so cut and dry! I love that so much! I love God’s provision of wisdom!

I now know it. I know it all the way. God will give me the wisdom that I need. And he does.

Two years ago we expanded our family by three. Enter Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa. Have I mentioned it was so so so hard? Ryan and I had not stepped into foster care lightly. Our primary concern was our boys. Especially Caleb. We could not have a child in our home who didn’t love Caleb. He wouldn’t be able to tell us. Scary. If we only knew that our boys would be loved. But we prayed and talked, talked and prayed. It seemed good to us (and wise) to move forward. We had faith.

Imagine my horror when I realized that two of our new three were not Caleb fans. Words truly cannot express how much my heart hurt. But then I remembered, to seek wisdom. God would give it to us. And he did. He reminded me through His Word and through other believers to love them big. With all the love in my heart. As Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa felt more and more loved, they were more and more able to give love. As the chaos in their hearts and lives settled they could learn. They watched Ryan, Silas and I love Caleb and saw there was so much to love. They began to understand Caleb’s words and not care so much about all the drooling. And they grew to love him.

Now, our Fab 5 are siblings through and through. This week Caleb had a doctor’s appointment so he was with me when I picked his siblings up from school. When they came out and saw him they were so happy even though their friends were staring and whispering. Silas hugged him and said, “Caleb! Bro! I missed you!” Collin walked right up and grabbed Caleb’s hand. He said, “Come on Caleb, let’s go swing.” Cheyenne and Alexa walked to the playground with their friends and educated them on Caleb. So sweetly. And when they didn’t know what else to say they brought the friends to me and I filled in the gaps. And you know what… those girls got it.

I regret all the time I spent thinking “If I only knew.” We know what we know because God revealed it to us. Exactly when he intended. Sometimes what he reveals is hard. It’s not what we expected. But no worries…. He’s got all the wisdom! He gives it to us freely! And then we are not driven and tossed by the wind. We are wise.