What I wish I had really understood before we stepped into foster care…

Our home is full of love. So much love. I have a huge sign in my den that says “LOVE LIVES COZY HERE.” And it does. We all love big around here. In our own way.

After Silas was born, Ryan and I made the decision together to have my tubes tied (TMI I know…. I also have a sign in my kitchen that says, “Did I just overshare?”). We knew Caleb was going to be a lot. We wanted to make sure that we could take proper care of he and Silas. Ryan felt fine about that decision. I did not. I just couldn’t imagine that our family was really complete. In fact, in my heart, I knew it wasn’t.

Years went by with our sweet little family of four. We had ALL the fun! We went on trips, we bought a boat and went to the lake every weekend, we camped, we all slept in on Saturdays….. Then, Ryan and I looked at each other and said, “We can do more.” We realized we had so much to share. We started talking about foster care. But we were scared. We had to protect Caleb and Silas, especially Caleb. He was so vulnerable. Ryan was especially worried. I didn’t dare push. I knew better than that. It certainly would not be wise to push my husband into expanding our family. I knew we both had to be completely on board. Months later, we were on a trip with Ryan’s work to Costa Rica. He looked at me and said, “I’m ready.”

Our foster training went fast. Really fast. At our first meeting we were told that there was a sibling group of 3 who were at legal risk. That meant that they would likely be up for adoption soon. Childhelp felt like our family was the perfect fit. Ryan and I were like “3?! What?!” We were (maybe) prepared for 1 child. We prayed about it. Hard. By the following week, we were both in. So, they fast-tracked us. We got one-on-one training, sometimes twice in a week so that we were done in a month. We understood that all children in foster care have experienced some form of trauma. We knew about medicine distribution and recording it when we dosed medicine. We knew the forms to take to the doctor and dentist and therapist. We made a “locked closet” that had medicine, cleaning supplies, fire extinguishers, knives, etc. We installed an obnoxiously loud alarm on the back door that leads out to the pool. We bought bunk beds and a mini-van and booster seats. We sold our truck and camper (that cozily held 4). I bought cups with 5 different colored lids because I couldn’t stand the thought of 5 kids getting a new cup every time they were thirsty. There would not be a dishwasher full of cups at my house! Phew. We were ready.

So, in a lot of ways we really were ready. We definitely could have done worse. Our hearts were really and truly in the right place. But, I definitely think our family needed to hear these words before Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa walked into our lives, “You are trauma.” Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” That was us. We were literally standing there with open arms but guess what…. they didn’t know us. They didn’t trust us. We had zero connection. These precious 3 were being ripped from everything that they knew…. every person (with the exception of each other and their caseworkers), every place (school, church, home), absolutely everything familiar. And so it is for every foster child. There is really no way around it. So very tragic.

I know it now. I know it deeply. I look back and feel so ridiculous. How could I be so blind? But then again, it was trauma for us too. We were just a big pile of trauma. It was so so so hard. Every good Southern Baptist knows that somewhat cheesy poem “Footprints in the Sand”. It’s about how God completely carries us through the hard times. Through the trials. Yep. He truly did. I look back on those first months and see that so clearly.

And now for the encouraging part…. Connection. Ryan, Caleb, Silas and I found ways to connect with Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa. Four different people connecting with 3 different people and those 3 connecting back…. that is a lot of connections. Praise the Lord! To Him be all glory and honor and praise!

Let’s talk practically. What did this look like for me? Making connections. I’ll just be honest. Collin was the hardest for me. The girls were all over me, literally touching me at all times. Collin was always out of reach, physically and emotionally. So, at first, it was eye contact. When he would make eye contact with me I would not drop it. WOULD NOT drop it. I would hold it and hold it and I would always make sure that he was the one that looked away first. I was making it very clear to him. I am here for you sweet boy. I have your back always. I will not drop you. For anything. And slowly but surely he got closer and closer and closer. Physically and emotionally. He got where I could touch him. A little rub on the head, then eventually a hug, then finally a snuggle. So precious. But (if I’m being completely honest), we started over every day for over a year. He would come downstairs in the morning and look at me like, “I don’t trust you.” And he wouldn’t speak to me. It was like groundhog day. But each day we progressed quicker than the day before. And now, he walks right down the stairs each morning, looks me in the eye (grumpily but trustingly) and tells me every detail about how he slept… what time he fell asleep, how many times he woke up and what he dreamed about. I’ll take it! And also, if I’m being completely honest, the girls and I were not quite as connected as I thought. Physical connection is not emotional connection. That came later. Probably after Collin and I connected. I looked at the girls and realized we had some work to do. The true connection with the girls came from me being honest with them. They needed to know me to feel connected.

Our Lord is so big, so strong and so mighty. Only He can make beauty from ashes…

Isaiah 61:3- “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”