Sunshine Soldier

Game on.

Marathon running is so mental. When I ran my first marathon in 2022 I wasn’t prepared for that. When I hit mile 25, my mind suddenly went off the rails. All I could think were negative thoughts. That is so not me. I am the queen of optimism. But I couldn’t remember that at the time. 

I was more prepared mentally for my 2nd marathon in 2023. During training I would speak about my upcoming race with great confidence. I painted my fingernails yellow and blue to signify that I would (without a doubt) qualify for the Boston Marathon. My race shirt said, “I got this.” I knew the mental battle would be hard core. I made a plan. When the bad thoughts came I replaced them with positive ones. And it helped.

And here I am again. Gearing up mentally. And the battle is on. Even in my sleep. I am having all the dreams about race debacles. Just the other night I had the most vivid dream that I showed up late to the start line and in jeans no less! When I woke up my heart was racing. 

But mostly, in my waking hours anyway, I am feeling great. Both mentally and physically. I am back to my goal pace. I am running the prescribed distances. I am eating more. Last weekend, I ran my longest run of this training cycle, a 20-miler. And I felt great! (Cheyenne overheard me telling someone that. She was like, “What!? You came home, laid on the floor and said you were going to throw up!” It’s all relative. You runners get me right? I meant the run felt great.) Tomorrow I run 14 and then I begin the taper. That means, after going up and up in miles for the last 18 weeks, I start going down. My poor legs need some rest before the big race. 

I am so excited about running the Boston Marathon in 17 days. I still can’t believe it. But I’m just sayin’….. I got this.

Well, the Boston Marathon is 5 weeks and 3 days away. That is completely insane. And do you know what is even more insane? This training cycle. Everything that could have gone wrong, has.

I broke my left hand. A few weeks later, I tore ligaments in my right hand. Two weeks after that I got COVID and the flu. Together. That rolled into bronchitis and a sinus infection. Yikes. It’s been a rough go for sure. 

And I’m so encouraged! 

My prayer has been that I would hold marathon training loosely. That I would not idolize it. And the Lord has answered my prayer! He has done such a work in my heart. For 3 straight weeks (during peak training no less) I was too sick to run. And I didn’t worry about it at all. What a blessing. And an obvious work of the Lord. It is usually a very different story. 

When I finally felt ready to run again, I jumped right back into the training schedule. My first run back was a 14-miler. And I did it. It was slow, but I ran the full distance. Since then I have been able to run the prescribed distances but have taken it a little slower on the paces.

On race day, my goal is to be there, be healthy and run every step of the way. I will likely run a slower race than I planned initially, but I am so good with that. 

This will be my third marathon. I am certainly no expert, but I do know enough to see some personal trends. Namely, nutrition is a real problem for me. My appetite just does not keep up with the demands I am putting on my body. I am simply not eating enough. I am really working on it, but it is a day by day challenge. 

Also, in case you don’t know, my marathon training is a real sacrifice for my family. It takes time and energy directly from Ryan and our fab 5. And they could not be sweeter about it. They are all so supportive and proud. Alexa is especially vocal. More than once she has said (in a group setting): “I have an announcement to make. My mom is going to run the Boston Marathon. I hope she wins.” 🥰

Caleb connections. They run so deep. I am so honored to be the mama of this precious boy. I love every bit of who he is and the mark he leaves on the world around him. I love how he makes his way straight to the heart.

Caleb teaches me so much. I often say he makes friends with the most unlikely of people. But yesterday, something dawned on me. I’ve been wrong. He makes friends with the most likely of people. He finds friends with the most giant hearts you can imagine. It’s so obvious to Caleb. He doesn’t see or care about the external at all. He only sees the heart. I might see a big and tough and intimidating football coach. Not Caleb. He sees a friend who will love him and protect him and sacrifice for him. A friend who loves to spend time with him.

Caleb vision. It’s the best.

“You never know what goes on behind closed doors.” It’s so true. We all present what we want to present. Some of us are real. Some of us are not. Either way, truth is truth.

When the weather is nice, I love a night walk. There is something so special about being out in the dark with my people. And often, we can see what other people are doing behind closed doors. There is lots of TV watching. But my favorite scene is when people are sitting around a table talking or playing a game. I love that. It’s such evidence of life and love. It’s evidence of the desire for lots of eye contact and connection.

Some people are proud of what goes on behind their closed doors. I am one of those people. Not because our life is perfect. It definitely isn’t. But because we love each other deeply. Because we are trying to do better and be better.

Most nights, Ryan and I recap. We talk about our successes and failures for that day. There are way too many failures. But as we live this life together, side by side, we remind each other to learn from it all. And to remember what Jesus did for us on the cross. Without Him, all hope is truly lost.

All of that being said, there is something you should know from the inside. Ryan is the most sacrificial person that I know in real life. He gives from the depths of himself every single day. He takes the best care of us. He loves us so big. In all the ways. He serves whenever and wherever he can. He continues to grow in wisdom and compassion. He submits to the Lord’s will and not his own and is drawn closer and closer to his heavenly Father.

Also, because it would be weird not to mention it, the man is hysterical.

Collin and Alexa are making sure Caleb doesn’t miss a thing… 🥰

Almost exactly 5 years ago, Ryan and I decided to step into foster care. It was the right time. We were on the same page. Our ducks were in a row. All the things.

Looking back I can see that we thought we had some control of the situation. Looking back it is now evident that we did not. God is so big. He saw the need. On both sides. He saw Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa’s need for us. But also, He saw our need for them.

Caleb and Alexa. I’m not sure how they survived without each other. Seriously. I’m not sure that I have ever seen, or even heard about, a love so pure.

Caleb has made so much progress in the last 5 years. That, in large part, is due to Alexa. She innately knew how to get right down to his level. She started there and continues to challenge him in ways that only she can. She sets goals, implements rewards, encourages and then does it all again. Day by day. She knows which medicines to give him and when. She knows how to prepare and process his food. She knows to set timers and for how long. She knows when he is sad or scared or excited or tired. She always knows exactly what to do. She knows what he is saying even when no one else does. She always wants to include him and teaches others to do the same. And, the icing on the cake, is that she loves doing all of it.

You might wonder what she gets in return. Well, nothing really. Unless you count one 18 1/2 year old boy’s complete and total adoration. And she does.

Well, so far my training for the Boston Marathon has not gone quite according to plan. And I knew it wouldn’t. I knew from the beginning that I needed to hold my training schedule loosely. I knew there would be sick kids or not enough hours in the day or trips to Cincinatti. I did not know there would be a broken hand. Mine to be exact.

I didn’t run for a week and then I was ready to jump back in. Cast and all. I’m sure I looked ridiculous. After 6 weeks I was cast free and then promptly had another fall, this time tearing ligaments in my other hand. I think. That is a self-diagnosis (thanks google!!). I took a few days off and jumped back in once more, cautiously. I am no longer running on the sidewalks in my area. Once I get tired, I just don’t notice the cracks. I am now sticking to the treadmill or the roads in my neighborhood.

This training cycle I am really trying to nail down my nutrition. For my first and second marathons, I failed miserably at this. It is so hard for me to eat anywhere near a long run. Before it, after it, during it- I just don’t want to eat. Or drink as a matter of fact. The thought of either makes me miserable. But they are both so important. So, I am really trying to figure it out this time around. Unfortunately, that requires a lot of trial and error. 

As of today, I am feeling good about where I’m at in preparation for April 15. I feel strong. I feel energetic. I am keeping my paces. Now, I just have to stay in one piece.

I am so thankful for days when things feel just right in the world. I am so thankful for God’s incredible provisions for our sweet Caleb.

Today was perfect. Of course, all days are, since they are always exactly what God intended. But, I will take an easy perfect day whenever I can get it!

Caleb could not have done better. He was so sweet and easy. And SO hilarious. Our little tiny pre-op room got so crowded because no one wanted to leave. Caleb had all of us eating out of his hand. And laughing until we cried.

And even better. The results are in and they are glowing. The last scope in October showed a bruised and battered esophogus. And now, just two months later, it is completely healed. Phew. That means we are on the right track. And if I’m being honest, it was a tough track to find.

The special needs parent journey can be so wearisome. We are constantly trying to figure it out. There are so many failures. But we can’t stop trying to solve the puzzle. Because if we do, the pieces just go right back in the box.

Thank you all so much for caring about Caleb. Thank you for praying for him. Oh. And never fear. He did work his connection magic. In a way that only he can. With the purest love and vulnerability. I know you will all agree, we have so much to learn from this precious boy.

Tomorrow is January 2, 2024. And it will be another long day. I will wake sweet Caleb at 4:15 am and tell him that he is heading to Cincinnati for another scope. He knows it’s coming but he doesn’t know exactly when.

I am so thankful for Caleb’s incredible care at Cincinnati Children’s. These people know how to get it done. They are the best of the best. I am so thankful for God’s provision of a consistent daily life support team for Caleb. For this trip, Marmee (my mom), Silas and I will be the team reps. We will talk him down, snuggle him, play with him, answer his questions…whatever he needs.

Please pray for answers. Please pray for a calm spirit for Caleb. Please pray that he can work his connection magic. Please pray that we can shine our lights for Jesus so brightly.

I look around and it feels like the world has gone completely insane. It is hard not to worry about our children. And their future. But then I remember all that solid, biblical truth. I remember that God is sovereign. I remember that nothing takes Him by surprise. I remember that He sent His one and only son to earth. To live a perfect life then die the most horrific death. He made a way. So that all who believe can live in heaven for all of eternity. We have nothing to fear. In fact, our hearts should be encouraged. We should remember that we were created for such a time as this.

The Atkinson family wishes you the most wonderful Christmas! We hope that you give more than you receive. We hope that you are a blessing to everyone you meet. We hope that you are drawing nearer to our precious Lord and Savior each and every day.