Sunshine Soldier

Cheyenne came into the world way early and weighing in at just over 1 pound. She had heart surgery at 1 day old. Her doctors did not think she would survive the surgery, but they knew she wouldn’t survive without it. In His great love for her, our Lord carried her through that surgery and the hard that came after. She is an amazing little girl. Truly amazing.

Cheyenne is level-headed. She thinks through her decisions and responses. When she meets people she watches objectively, calmly. First impressions don’t mean much to her. She watches people for awhile to decide what they are really about. When she makes a connection, it is precious. If Cheyenne trusts you, you better be intentional about being trustworthy. You are truly holding her heart in your hands. She is a big responsibility. She watches me a lot, in the sweetest way, assuming the best. However, I do feel the responsibility.

Cheyenne is gentle, she is kind, she is pleasant, she is even. She does not complain, she is grateful. She is shy and bold at the same time. She will speak her mind, but in the most respectful way. She is not afraid to share her opinion, but she waits for the right time. She wants to be heard. She also asks a lot of questions. Good questions. Thought-provoking questions. She wants to understand the world and people. Sadly, sometimes she can’t.

Cheyenne is right in the middle of our Fabulous 5. That suits her perfectly. She is nice and cozy there. She does not want the attention of being the oldest or youngest. Just recently it came up in conversation that many people don’t like being the middle child. That blew her mind. She was like “What?! It’s the perfect place to be!” She likes being a little sister. She likes being a big sister. She loves being a part of a large family. Our family. She loves Ryan and me so much and always understands what we are trying to teach her. Even when it means not getting her way. Sweet girl. She is determined to be content.

Cheyenne needs purpose in her life. She will “play” but it doesn’t keep her interest for long. The current exception to this is her recent birthday present from her grandparents, a re-born baby. Have you seen these things?! It looks so real! We get a lot of comments when we are out about it! It makes the sweetest little cooing sounds and has a heartbeat. Her dad and brothers think it is super creepy. But she and Alexa love it and I have to say I think it is pretty cool too! (I might pat its bottom when I “babysit”…. why do us mamas have to do that to babies?!) As much as she loves Leia (the reborn baby), she would much rather do something that makes some kind of difference. When Collin and Alexa will cooperate she loves to do school with them and actually teach them. She can spend hours doing some type of activity/therapy with Caleb. Just last night she found this little zipper bag and decided it would be Caleb’s mailbag. (He LOVES playing mailman and even was a mailman for Halloween one year with a real mailman’s uniform and mailbag…. our mailman loaned it to him!) She had him sit at the craft table and make cards for members of our family. Then she had him put all the cards in the “mailbag” one at a time and they would run around the house yelling “Mail delivery! Mail delivery!” They both had the best time.

Then there is Baby Kate. She is 2. Oh my. Cheyenne absolutely adores Kate and the feeling is mutual. Kate is so precious, so lots of people love her. However, she and Cheyenne have a special connection. The most important thing to know about Kate is that she is pure joy. A much less important fact, is that she has special needs including being blind. Cheyenne absolutely loves spending time with Kate. She goes to Kate’s house a lot of Saturdays to be Mother’s helper to Samantha. When I go pick her up she is NEVER ready to leave, no matter how long she has been there. She loves being with Kate, helping with Kate and learning about Kate. You have no idea how much we talk about this precious baby. Samantha says that Chey is Kate’s best friend (and even gave Chey a best friend necklace to represent that). Cheyenne is a comfort to Kate. She talks to her, right in her ear, so sweetly…. and Kate just completely lights up. Well, they both do. Chey knows how to rub Kate’s arms or hands or leg, with just the right pressure, to comfort her. She is learning how to bathe her. She is learning how to feed her. Purpose…. she’s got to have it.

Silas is such a good kid…. I mean SUCH a good kid. He has always been a good kid. Ryan and I really can’t take any credit for him at all. The Lord began working in his heart at a young age. He has always had a strong conscience and strong convictions. Don’t get me wrong, he is a sinner. He needs Jesus desperately. But he learns from his sins, mistakes and shortcomings very quickly, often before we even have to correct him.

He is our second oldest child, born after Caleb. It is not easy to be the younger brother of a child with special needs. However, our Silas is such a trooper. One of my greatest worries, once Silas came along, was the process of him passing Caleb developmentally. I knew it would happen I just didn’t know when. We delighted in all of Si’s milestones, but in the back of our minds and hearts there was an ache. Then, in God’s perfect provision and timing, Silas did it with such class. He never, never not once, said a word about being able to do something that Caleb couldn’t do. NEVER. Then, there were the endless doctor’s appointments and therapies. Every bit of it geared towards Caleb. Every now and then some kind therapist would include Silas and he was thrilled. But he never asked. Never expected. Never complained. From the beginning, Silas felt responsible for Caleb. Not responsible for his care, but responsible to look after him. He understood that Ryan and I would not always be there. When he was 4 years old he told me not to worry, he would look after Caleb when I couldn’t any longer. As he has gotten older he has never waivered from those attitudes. He has never resented Caleb. I could go on an on about the kind of brother he is to Caleb, but I’ll stop for now.

Silas is the second of our Fabulous 5 by age, but functionally he is absolutely the oldest. He is such a wonderful big brother. He loves them all so much! And they love him so much! They all look up to him. He has such a special relationship with each of them. Silas and Cheyenne are just under 2 years apart. They are goofy together. I mean, wow. The three of us just got back from a night walk. The two of them definitely had a dance competition, a running race and a skipping race. Yeesh. They are nuts. Silas and Collin play together a lot. They are 5 years apart. They both love games. They can wear out some Monopoly Deal. They listen to Christian rap together. They run around outside together. They mountain bike together. Collin always insists that Silas tuck him in along with Ryan and I. Silas and Alexa (6 years apart)…. basically, she just wants him to carry her around or snuggle with her. When he comes home, she is always thrilled to see him. She asks about him when he is not there and wants to know when he will return. She has to be tucked in by “Si-Si” at night as well. They think he is wonderful. I always think it is pretty hilarious when his siblings realize he is “in trouble” for something. They are always so shocked. “Silas made a bad choice? What?” Ryan and I are like, “Yeah. He’s a sinner guys. He needs Jesus too.”

Silas is Ryan made over. They don’t look alike (he looks like his Papa and his Uncle Stretch), but they act so much alike. The older Silas gets, the more alike they are. His humor is very physical like his dad. He says funny, quirky things, but with some dancing thrown in. He is very black and white like his dad. He loves sports and being active like his dad. He LOVES God’s word like his dad. He is so so so protective of me like his dad.

Silas is steadfast. You can count on him. He will almost always put himself last. He will do anything we ask of him…. immediately and without complaining. He looks for ways to help. He thinks to put the shopping cart back, help carry bags, push the cart while I shop, etc.

Silas loves being with his family….even us grown-ups! For his birthday present from Ryan and I this year he wants to hike Mount LeConte and go to dinner…. just the 3 of us. Almost every Thursday he spends the night with his Marmee and Papa and looks forward to it all week. He and Marmee stay up way too late playing games and watching Tim Hawkins on YouTube. He is such a delight to us all.

Caleb is love and connection. There is absolutely no one else like him. We are so so so proud of him and absolutely cannot imagine our lives, or a world, without him.

So, as you may already know, Caleb has special needs. I don’t want to devote much space to this fact in this post because he is so much more than that. He does not have a diagnosis. Basically, as our pediatrician would say, he is just Caleb. He is writing the book on himself, just as all children are. His disabilities are quite significant. He is intellectually disabled. He has mostly low muscle tone, but it can be spastic at times. His speech is difficult to understand. He drools… a lot. He walks funny. He looks like an explosion after he eats a meal (seriously. I often say, “I just want to cry”) He has had bilateral foot reconstruction, eye surgery…. honestly, the list goes on. Let’s just say, it’s a lot. God has used his condition, more than anything else I can think of, to teach me to trust in Him. In His love. In His power. In His provision.

Caleb is the most connective person I have ever seen. When he sets his mind to connecting with someone, he does not give up. He loves very quickly and very deeply. Turns out, connection and love, working together, are quite powerful. Why is he such a master at connection? I have thought about this a lot. Is it because he always assumes the best? Is it because he so easily laughs at himself and makes it ok to laugh at ourselves too? Is it because he keeps no record of wrongs? Is it because he has all the confidence and assumes others want to be his friend and want that connection? Is it because he will hug a grown man because he can tell he needs it? Is it because he isn’t afraid to ask questions? (I mean A LOT of questions) Is it because he says exactly what he thinks? Is it because he is so innocent? Is it because he understands the Gospel on it’s absolute simplest terms? Most likely, it’s all of these things combined.

People LOVE Caleb. “Are you Caleb’s mom?” has been said to me more times than I can count. In public. When Caleb is not with me. I used to be taken aback, but not anymore. I just laugh and say yes. Then, their response is typically, “He brings so much joy. He is an absolute delight.” Whether it’s the lady from the Knox County Vision Van, or the school janitor, or the teachers aide, or so-and-so’s mother, or a kid from the swim team….. they LOVE Caleb.

Caleb goes to Farragut Middle School and is in the 8th grade. He is so popular. I mean it’s ridiculous how many friends he has. I was actually just informed a few days ago that he has been nominated as “nicest” for the 8th grade superlatives. I love those sweet kids at FMS. Caleb comes home talking about them and their extreme kindness (and I have no doubt protection). About 2 months ago the basketball coach requested that Caleb come to a game and be a part of the team. We allowed Caleb to go and oh my word…. it was the sweetest! They let him sit on the bench, they let him take shots at halftime, he was even in the team photo!

Caleb is the oldest of our Fabulous 5 but functions very much as the baby. Silas, Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa all look out for him. Sometimes too much. We have certain children (Alexa!!!) who are too protective. If they see someone look at Caleb sideways they think it’s time to educate. We are working on it. Caleb loves to play with all 4 of his siblings. He plays basketball or swims with Silas. He does “therapy” or “school” with Cheyenne (that girl wants to do things with purpose… we will talk more about that later). He plays doctor with Collin. He plays baby or horse or puppy with Alexa (Horse is their current favorite. Just last night he was riding her around on his back).

I am so thankful that God created sweet Caleb exactly as he intended. He inspires me to look for the connections…. people are desperate for them.

I used to think everyone thought like me. I know it’s silly, but I did. It still takes me by surprise way more than it should. I just really want everything to make sense. People. Their actions. Their reactions. I think that is part of why relationships are so hard. The bigger part is sin, but perspective is in the equation as well. Imagine if we all viewed the world and people from the same lens. Imagine if we came at the world in the same way. Of course, that would be insanely boring and we would be robots, but it would be simpler wouldn’t it? I am so glad that our God is God and not me.

This blog is from my perspective. Obviously. As I write about my husband or children or friends or parents, I have to remember (and so do you) that they have their own perspective as well. They have their own story. People always say that I am a good storyteller. Part of that is because crazy, I mean truly bizarre, things happen to me all the time. But I have learned that those events alone do not make a good story. It is the way I am experiencing them to begin with, my perspective. I am basically always looking for the humor, looking for the story.

There are so many examples in my life of my perspective not lining up with someone else’s. I think this is a classic example. It’s a “good story” and funny now, but it certainly wasn’t then! Our first son, Caleb, was born with special needs. (I will go into more detail about that later.) Our second son, Silas, was born 2 1/2 years later. We talked openly about Caleb and his special needs. Since Silas was younger there was never a big announcement like, “Silas, we have news. Your brother has special needs.” It just was. Silas went to countless doctors appointments, surgeries, therapies, etc. Honestly, I felt pretty good about my parenting in this regard and our open dialogue. One day when Silas was about 3 years old I was cooking. He came walking through the kitchen. I heard him singing in a quiet (but just loud enough to be heard by me) voice (that was way too sing-songy)….. “Something’s wrong with Caleb and nobody’s talkin’ about it.” Then, he went into his bedroom. I followed him and said, “Silas, honey is there something you want to talk about? Do you have some questions about Caleb?” He burst into tears. From his perspective he didn’t know what was going on. All that information, that open dialogue, was not a cohesive explanation. None of it made sense to him. He was confused. He was scared. I felt like THE ACTUAL WORST.

I have to say, mostly I enjoy my perspective. I view the world extremely optimistically most of the time. So, I have a lot of fun! However, there is the flip side of that…. when my optimism and reality collide. That’s tough.

Perspective… all I can say is, I’m writing from mine.

My name is Cindy. All the “suggestions” for starting a blog say to start off by introducing yourself, tell a little about who you are. That’s complicated to me. At first I thought about how other people would describe me. Most would say one of the following: “Tall with curly hair”, “Runner”, “Happy.” While all those things are true, they don’t begin to cover who I am. Who I am, according to me, is mostly in relation to others. So, what else can I do (as a former teacher) but make a list? #1 on my list is absolutely the most important….

1. I am a child of God. I love Him and He loves me. My hearts desire is to serve Him and live my life for Him. Titus 3:3-7 “For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Saviour and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
2. I am the wife of Ryan. He is a man of God. He leads our family. He loves us all fiercely, deeply and sacrificially. He serves our church. He serves wherever he can. He is generous. He is hilarious!
3. I am the mother of the 5 most amazing, unique and precious individuals that I can imagine. I will talk a lot about them in the future, but for now I will start with their names and ages: Caleb Ryan (age 15), Silas Michael (age 13), Cheyenne Christina (age 11), Collin James (age 8) and Alexa Sabrina (age 7). The way that our Lord has knit our hearts together could only happen through Him! My children would say that there are 8 members in our family because they always have to include our (incredibly spoiled) English Golden Retriever, Samson. He is truly rotten.
4. I am the daughter of 2 incredibly godly and loving parents, Kent and Melody. Their love and support are endless and selfless.
5. I am the sister of Brent. I am so proud of him. He serves the Lord as a pastor in Massachusetts. He has an enormous heart for the people of New England. He is married to Ann (who is now my sister). She serves alongside him at their church and in their community. They are incredible and intentional parents to 4 precious boys. So, you can add “Aunt to Josiah, Levi, Micah and Ezra” to the list of who I am.
6. I am a member of Crossway Bible Church. It is such a sweet body of believers. We learn about God’s Word together. We serve together. We rejoice together. We share burdens.
7. I am a friend. Oh my friends! I wish I could list each one and tell about how God has used them in my life. They are such a blessing to me! Their love for my family and for me is truly overwhelming!

The other thing I am supposed to do in this “Introduction” is talk about why I am writing a blog, what is my purpose? Basically, God is just so big. And He is so big in my life. I am constantly overwhelmed by the way he works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I need a place to share His work in my life. I am not on social media and emailing everyone who is interested feels quite overwhelming. So, I started a blog. My hope is that it will be an encouragement to others.