Man. I love writing this blog so much. I love sharing what God is doing in our family. I am living it. Day by day. And it’s still completely unbelievable to me.
Cheyenne is precious. She absolutely loves it when she and I can spend time together. One of her favorite things…. when I read this blog to her. We snuggle up in one of the big chairs on the back porch and I read.
She loves them all. But she especially loves when she hears her name. Loves it. At first I thought it was as simple as that. Hearing her name. Nope. It took me a minute. To realize why she really loves it. But no worries, I got there.
It helps her process. As she hears about all the things from my perspective, it is helping her develop her perspective. Her story. And put words to it. Last night she asked if I would read her the post called “A Place to Belong.” She stopped me midway and said, “I just love how you write about how God is in everything. Because he is.”
I wanted to weep for joy. I didn’t. For fear that she might stop talking. She might stop her thought. But she didn’t. She went on and on about the ways that she can see, with her own eyes, that God is in everything.
And He so is. He is in everything.
I have been thinking about time a lot lately. It is so precious. It is worth so much. And it is non-renewable. Every minute is a gift from the Lord. And we are to use it wisely, and to His glory.
I was driving in the van with all 5 kids in tow. I had my workout music blaring because we all needed a little pick-me-up. A song came on called “Give Love.” I said, “Oh guys listen! This is where I got the name for my blog!”
So they stopped. They listened. They asked me to turn it up. They listened harder. When it was over they all started saying, “Mom! That is so you! That is exactly you! Can we listen to it again?!”
As we all listened again together, I had a full circle kind of moment. I can do better. So much better. I started this blog because my head was spinning. With all the blessings. I desperately needed an outlet. A way to get all those thoughts out of my head. But as I listened to that song, I realized I have to give it up for now, at least on a weekly basis, and give that extra time and energy and love to my people.
Happiness is a choice. Well, sometimes. If I am grumpy, I can change that. I can make a choice to not be grumpy. To be happy. But sometimes, it’s just a lot more complicated than that. If I expect myself or my people to be happy all the time…. we are basically robots.
I have spent a lot of my life cheering people up. Convincing them to be happy. I was basically distracting them from their reality. I was kind of a master at it.
The details are fuzzy. But at some point I realized making people happy is not always a good thing. What people need, what we all need, is to be known.
When Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa joined our family it was exactly what God had for us. And it was a hot mess. Of course all the wisdom was there, waiting. It was in God’s Word, it was with God’s people. We just had to take it one step at a time.
We had to make a decision to know and love one another. Day by day. They were watching us. We were watching them. I could not distract anyone from their reality. Sadly, I actually tried at first. But it didn’t hold. There was just too much hurt. Too much baggage. Too much sin and selfishness. In all of us.
There was nothing left to do, but get real.
I listened. They listened. We all watched. We began to know each other. A little better than the day before. The hurts came to the surface. Little by little. They still are actually. And it’s hard. Every single time.
We are not robots. I say that to my children ALL. THE. TIME. There is such a strong desire, deep within me, to program happiness. Let’s all just ignore the storm and look for the rainbow. That just doesn’t work long term. Somebody definitely gets struck by lightening.
Feeling all the feelings is really hard for me. But what a blessing that process has been in my life. I lean on the Lord so much faster and so much more fully. I can relate to others and what they are feeling. God can be glorified in it all.
God uses my sisters in Christ. ALL. THE. TIME. They teach me so much. Through our differences I learn so much. But then, there are the likenesses. Man. I am so thankful for God’s provision of likenesses. Of relatability. When two sisters in Christ can relate, it is such a beautiful thing. We can dive deep together. Our eyes are more open as we look at each other and ourselves. We can see the blessings, the hard things, the idols, the blindspots, the what we can do different and better.
But I’ve noticed something. Most of us expect too much relatability. And when we can’t find it, we isolate.
In those early, and very dark, years of Caleb’s life I chose isolation. Because no one could relate. No one was living my reality. No one. But you know what, I wasn’t living theirs either. I remember hearing peoples problems and thinking “those are not problems!” Because in my heart and mind, mine were so much worse. And so, the isolation continued and the darkness covered me up.
But as the Lord opened my eyes and heart, and the light began shining in, I couldn’t go back. Back to the darkness. I went towards the light. And in time, I was able to shine mine.
God has surrounded each of us with opportunities. Daily. Our families. Our friends. Our neighbors. Those are the regulars. But then there are the guest appearances. We may never see them again. The lady in front of us in line. The dental hygienist. And on and on. God put us together. For that moment. A divine appointment.
I am so thankful that God made us individuals. We are not robots. Praise the Lord. But it doesn’t stop there. As individuals, we are able to relate. To connect. All we have to do is look around. I am so thankful for God’s provision of relatability and a world around us. Let’s shine our light for Him. We live in a world that is desperate for Jesus. And for connections. We always have.
Last week I was looking ahead in my calendar to this week. It was full. Super full. And the coordinating. Chaos coordinator for sure. I knew it would require all hands on deck. No problem. That’s how we roll.
And we managed. There were doctors appointments, dentist appointments, cross country practices and meets, church, parent-teacher conferences, basketball practices, cheer pratices, and even a lake day. Phew. Another week down. And I learned so much.
There is so much to take in. So much to process. On so many levels.
One of the highlights of my week has been Ryan and Alexa…
Oh man. Watching that does my heart good. Every time. There are the obvious reasons… An adorable daddy/daughter duo, a mischievous push into the lake and a water guitar. That is a formula for success for sure. And on that level, it was so fabulous.
But then my mind begins to spread wide. And I see the much bigger picture. I think back to 2 1/2 years ago. To an anxious little girl. We called her Lexi then. She had so much energy. As we all know, she still does. But back then, it was anxious energy.
Ryan has been such a huge part of calming that sweet girl’s anxious heart. He has loved her unconditionally. He has protected her. He has made sure that she knows that he is protecting her, that she is safe. He has sacrificed for her. And he has played with her. All children are so different. For our precious Alexa, play is important. And play with her dad, her forever dad, is something special.
And then there is affection. Ryan has been so careful. He didn’t want to force his physical affection on any of our children. But he is a wise man. He knows it’s important. So, slowly but surely he found ways to be affectionate with our newest additions. And they ate it up. Each one of them did. But most notably, Alexa. It is her happy place.
My low point this week came out of nowhere. We were having the nicest evening. It involved fettucine alfredo, breadsticks and gorgeous weather. I was cleaning up dinner and listening to James Taylor Radio at full blast. And most definitely singing along at the top of my lungs. “Silas needs stitches. Mom. Help! Silas needs stitches!” Well, so much for the perfect evening.
Silas most certainly did need stitches. As anyone would after jumping over a fence and landing calf first directly on a jagged bamboo stalk. He’s ok. All it took was a 5 hour trip to urgent care and 7 stitches. Yeesh.
Close calls. So many close calls. When you have five children, you are basically living on the edge. I try hard to prevent the disasters. And I do. I prevent lots of disasters. (But not all. Just reference the above paragraph). Alexa asked me for a Q-tip yesterday. No problem. I figured it was for an art project or to prod a bug or something. But, in the spirit of due diligence I asked her why she needed it. “Oh. I’m going to clean Caleb’s ears. He has green stuff. Way down deep.” Um no. A true close call.
The in between moments contain so much. So much growing. So much learning. They are where we mostly live. We had our first cross country meet of the season. Silas, Cheyenne and Collin all participated. They were amazing. They did so well. But Collin. Pushed himself to his actual limit. He is not a runner. He is doing cross country this year because I asked him to. And I have loved being his coach. It’s a whole different angle on that sweet boy.
He tried to set a reasonable goal for his first 1 mile race. 12 minutes. Perfect. When I saw him approaching the finish line you could have knocked me over with a feather. He finished in 8 minutes and 25 seconds. He looked like death. For real. His face had absolutely no color in it. He was crying. His lips were saying “Oh no. Oh no.”
I met him at the finish line. And gushed. After he caught his breath he finally found some words. “I ran fast mom. The whole time. Because you told me I could do it. So I did.” I. Can’t. Even. There was a time that it was impossible to imagine connecting with this tender-hearted boy. And look at us now. I am so thankful for God’s provision of mother-son connections.
And finally, Prince Sniffy. Cheyenne’s hamster. She decided a few months ago that she wanted one. She saved her allowance and had “sales” on our street to raise the money for him (shout out to my VG neighbors who bought so many rubberband bracelets!) She built a cage with her dad out of a storage bin. She bought him and every single thing he needed with her own money…. food, treats, hides, a wheel, a play pen, bedding, a sand bath. That hamster is living in the lap of luxury. But, once he got home and settled, he wanted nothing to do with her. It was so hard to watch. Sadly, I can relate. So often in life our plans, the ones we are so excited about, just don’t work out. It’s the worst.
Today, we devised a plan. We set up the play pen and Cheyenne sat inside. We pulled him out of his cage while he was comfy and cozy in his favorite tunnel. We just went right ahead and put the whole tunnel in with Chey. Then, she began coaxing him. Peanut butter is what ended up doing the trick. It actually worked! He got comfortable with her. He crawled on her and around her. He tried out the hide that she made for him. Perfection. I am so thankful for God’s provision of a win for Chey. She needed it.
I’m also thankful for God’s perfect provision of highs, lows, close-calls and in-betweens. It’s how I learn best.
Perspective. Since starting this blog I think about it a lot. We all have a perspective. And it is unique to each of us. It is influenced by our beliefs, our personalities, our experiences… the list goes on and on. This blog has effected my perspective a lot. Especially once I decide what I am writing about.
Last Friday night, I decided on my next topic. The exceptional life that God has given Caleb. How could I not write about that when I witnessed what I did?
Caleb is a Freshman at Farragut High School. I. Can’t. Even. I was told that it would be an amazing fit for him. No. Joke.
The special ed program includes peer tutoring. It is so amazing. It’s next level actually. Caleb is with “typical” peers throughout the day. They love him. When I drop Caleb off at school, there is usually a peer tutor holding the door. He says, “My friend!!!” and he jumps out of the car. And they are just as happy to see him.
Then, there are the Sparkles. Oh. My. Word. It might be the best thing I have ever seen. The special needs students (aka “differently abled”) are given the opportunity to cheer right alongside the cheerleaders. And boy do they Sparkle.
Caleb was so so so excited about it all week. He told EVERYONE. And EVERYONE was so happy for him. Just the thought of it. Did all of our hearts good.
But you never know how things are actually going to play out. Especially with Caleb. If he is hot or tired or overwhelmed… he becomes an actual zombie. It was 90 degrees, the end of a long week, and a huge crowd. The chances of the Caleb zombie were high.
Nope.
He so rose to the occasion. He was loving every minute of it. He loved wearing his cheer shirt. He loved the football players running by. Oh! And this moment….
When Caleb saw this man coming he got so excited. Tom Doucette is his name. And now I realize that this is the man that Caleb talks about everyday after school. He is a football coach but he is also a PE teacher. Caleb’s PE teacher. And boy does Caleb love him. And based on those pictures, I think the feeling is mutual.
The Sparkles cheer for the first quarter only. Genius. Way to keep it positive for everyone involved. And they make it count. Caleb cheered and yelled and jumped and photo bombed. And people cheered for him too. His family, his friends. The loving enthusiasm went back and forth and everywhere. It was contagious. (Warning: There are so many videos. It was impossible to choose. Literally. Not possible. Obviously you don’t have to watch them all.)
The best life.
An old friend of mine used to always say that Caleb had the best life. She nailed it. He truly does. He sleeps, he swims, he eats, he laughs, he connects… and people connect right back. Deeply.
I have lived this week with that perspective in mind. And I saw it again and again. The best life.
It’s so constant, so present, that it’s really hard to write about. But then there are the glaring examples. That are impossible to miss.
Caleb’s siblings love him so so much. They take such amazing care of him. This video is going to look staged. It’s not. This little girl loves her brother so much that she cooks this kind of thing up all the time. She wants to take care of him in a way that makes him feel loved. She makes him sticker charts, unpacks his backpack, plans fun activities for them to do together, tucks him in, and makes him lunch. Just because. Because she loves him. Because she wants him to have the best life.
Seasons of life. They are just so strange. Once I became an adult, I thought that would be kind of it. Adult Cindy. However, the seasons of life have produced different versions of me. But it’s always been me at the core.
When I was a little girl, a very little girl, I wanted to be a teacher. And that desire remained steady. In the summers I would do school with my brother. I was his big sister. Obviously, he had no choice. But to my credit, I taught him some mean math skills. I had him doing fractions by age 7.
I could not wait to graduate college and fulfill my destiny as a fourth grade teacher. Nope. That is not what God had for me. Instead, I was hired at Bearden Middle School to teach 6th grade Ancient World History and coach track.
It wasn’t what I was expecting, but big shocker… I had all the confidence.
I was given my curriculum just a few weeks before school started. Then panic hit. I realized that I needed to be an expert on Ancient World History. I was not even close. So, I hit the books. I studied hard. I crammed.
And I actually learned a lot. I loved learning and teaching about the wonders of the ancient world. Every time I hear “Mesopotamia” it still makes me smile. But do you know what stands out to me the most? The phalanx. It was developed in Ancient Greece. It is a body of troops standing or moving in close formation. That just stuck out to me. It found space deep in my brain, all tucked away.
Years later, I was in a very different season of life. Mama. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But it definitely has had it’s challenges. And it’s funny the things I have come to truly appreciate. The things that end up really making a difference.
Ryan’s mom, Celeste, is wonderful. My mom, Melody, is wonderful. Our moms have loved us, they have sacrificed for us, they have supported us.
When Ryan and I fell in love our moms outdid themselves. Celeste chose to love me. My mom chose to love Ryan. They chose to. Instead of choosing not to. They both work really hard to assume the best about us. Their love, sacrifice and support have only grown longer and wider.
And then. They went next level.
I have never told them that I overheard this conversation. I guess they will learn about it now. And I’m so glad. Because God has used it so big.
Caleb was 5. Silas was 3. We were at Celeste and Jon’s celebrating a birthday. My parents were there too. I was just about to round the corner into the kitchen, when I heard my mom and Celeste talking. I realized they were talking about me. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened. (I’m sorry Mama and Celeste!!!! I couldn’t help myself!!!)
“…. such an optimist. I just don’t think she realizes how hard raising Caleb is going to be. It is going to be a lot. We have to help her. We have to work together and support her. We have to be a team…”
And the phalanx was formed.
They made a decision in that moment to support us together. They didn’t have to. They could have done it completely apart from one another. But it wouldn’t have had nearly the same effect. For Ryan and I, for our children. It is part of their security. That we are all one big family that truly love one another. Our children love Marmee and Grandma. They love that they can talk about one to the other. They love that they can talk about them in the same sentence. They love that they are truly friends. We all do. They add so much joy to all of our lives. Individually and together.
Last weekend we celebrated Celeste’s birthday at our house…. Ryan and I and our Fab 5, Celeste and Jon, Scott and Margaret, and my parents… It was just so fun. So easy and so fun. And I remembered to be thankful. I remembered the phalanx.
I don’t know how other people do it. Bloggers I mean. I bet they have a particular format and a plan. Nope. Not me. And that’s interesting because I am such a planner in general. I love writing things in my calendar and on my to do list. Then I get to check them off later. Perfection. But, my blogging seems to be more about the unplanned things. The things that just happen. And what I learn along the way. I learn the most from the things that are out of my control.
Lately, life is pointing to something. But, honestly it’s something that I don’t like to think about. Much less talk about. But for some reason, I feel like writing about it. Because when I write, I just go. And go. I don’t worry about if it flows perfectly or if I am making everyone happy. I just write.
I was walking with a friend. We were discussing how big God is. And how He can use even the most difficult circumstances of life for His Glory. And He can even make those circumstances joy-filled. Because he changes our hearts and our perspectives.
Of course that made me think of our sweet Caleb. When the truth was coming to light in those early days, I really could not imagine a worse fate. For him. For me. For Ryan. His future felt doomed. And so did ours.
Looking back, the issue is so clear. Caleb was an idol. A big one. I had begun idolizing him long before he was even born. I just knew he would be smart and athletic and funny. I knew he would have all the friends. And Ryan and I. Would be such proud parents.
I don’t think words can express the level of my misery. And then, God began to change my heart and my perspective. I began to see God’s hand. And I began to trust it. And I saw the beauty of Caleb and our entire situation. I couldn’t worry about the days and weeks and years ahead. I had to focus on today. Today became my favorite.
And it’s a good thing. If I had looked ahead. To where we are now. It would have been far too much. But by today, in God’s perfect plan, I am equipped. I am so thankful for God’s provision of today.
Caleb had his 16 year old check up this week. Dr. Glover was reminiscing about Caleb as a baby. About how sick and tiny he was. About how none of us knew what to expect. Dr. G is so proud of what Caleb has become. And so am I. So very proud. But it’s also weird. Because back then if I could have looked into the future and seen 16 year old Caleb…. I would have gone ahead and had that nervous breakdown. So what’s the deal? What changed? It’s so simple. God is so big. And He can mold even the hardest heart.
Worship is an equalizer. Everyone can worship in one way or another. Watching and hearing Caleb sing praises to our Lord. There is nothing like it. NOTHING like it. He sings so loud. So off-key. But there is ALL THE JOY. It is contagious. It is heart-warming and heart- melting.
Last week several people came to me after church talking about Caleb and Silas worshipping together. They talked about how touching it was. How they couldn’t help but cry. How they had to snap a picture because it was too precious to forget.
I had no idea way back then. I had no idea what God could do. With one sweet and tender little boy. Whose body and mind are not like anyone else. I had no idea about the simple joys that I would experience. Daily. I had absolutely no clue that sweet Caleb would teach all of us so much about love. And about worship at it’s simplest.
I don’t want to miss what God is doing today. What a tragedy that would be.
People who know me well know about my cards. Basically, I have an index card for every day of the year. I write a sentence or two each day about something interesting that happened. I started in 2007. It is the coolest thing! If there is ever a fire, I will get my people, my dog and my box of cards. I love reading through all those memories. Mostly, the card takes me right back. But sometimes, I have no recollection at all.
I just looked at my card for today in 2020. It says, “Cheyenne made fried okra in the air fryer. She was so proud of herself! We all loved it.” This day in 2019 the card talks about the 7 of us going to a birthday party together. In 2018. It was just the four of us. And every year before that too. It’s bittersweet. Those were such precious times for our sweet little family of four. But now, I also feel sad. What were Chey, Collin and Alexa doing on this day in 2018? Or in 2017? Or in 2016? And on and on. Alexa turned 1 and we weren’t there. Collin started Kindergarten and we weren’t there. Cheyenne lost her first tooth and we weren’t there. There is no making up for any of that.
I think the hardest part for me is that for a lot of that time they really didn’t belong. They were in foster care. By definition, it is temporary. They went from home to home. They were the Spencer kids. They weren’t in anyone’s family photos. They weren’t in anyone’s family at all.
Then, in God’s provision, these precious 3 landed with us. We wanted them to feel a part of our family immediately. But that’s just not how it works. It takes time. So really, they still didn’t belong. At least not in their own hearts.
It was a slow progression. I remember when they each first started referring to Caleb and Silas as “my brother.” Then, they started referring to Ryan and I as mom and dad. They wouldn’t say it to us but they would say it about us. Precious. They seemed more and more settled. There was less and less anxious energy. Less and less angry outbursts. Less and less tummy aches. Especially after the first year. They knew what to expect for Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays. We started hearing a lot of “We see our cousins at Christmas.” or “We get birthday waffles on our birthday” or “We celebrate Thanksgiving with both sets of our grandparents all together.” They felt the freedom and the comfort to use words like “We” and “Our”. What a blessing. One that most of us take for granted. Daily.
Earlier this week I came outside looking for Alexa. She was in the yard next door talking to our sweet neighbor Amy. They were looking at Amy’s sunflowers together. They didn’t see me so I just stood and watched. It was just so sweet. Alexa is completely settled in our home. She is settled with our neighbors. She feels so safe. She belongs. She came running down the hill saying, “Mom! Aren’t Amy’s sunflowers so pretty. She says I can grow some too! Me and Amy love talking about nature together. Because we both love it.”
And Cheyenne and Collin are just the same. They are all so settled. They love being Atkinsons. They love having grandparents. They love taking family vacations. They love doing anything as a family. They love talking about their family to anyone who will listen. They love our neighbors. They love our church. Because it is all theirs to claim. And that’s a big deal. A really big deal.
So, we are a lot. There are 7 of us. That’s a lot. Our children are really well-behaved in my opinion but it’s still just a lot of people. And Caleb. Is a mess. A huge mess. So, when we get invited anywhere it’s always kind of shocking. When our new friends, the Garys, invited us to dinner last night I was so excited! And with good reason, we had the best time. But, we are all just getting to know each other. This question from them made my night, “So, I know some of your kids are adopted. Which ones? We can’t tell at all.”
Every member of the Atkinson 7 has a place to belong. A family. God gave us to one another. For life. What a gift.
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” — James 1:17
I love shirts with words. If I am going to wear a T-shirt, it may as well say something. “Blessed Mama”, “Hello Sunshine”, “Be Kind”, “Sunshine and Coffee”, “Hustle and Shine”, “Optimist”, “Happy Camper”…. and so many more. I don’t think I could ever get enough.
My newest shirt says “Chaos Coordinator.” Yes! Exactly! That is so my life.
I was interviewed over a year ago by Leslie Holmes from Childhelp (the foster care organization we used). She wanted to hear all the things about how our family was functioning. When she published the article based on that interview she titled it “Calming Chaos.”
That hit me. It’s a process. It wasn’t called “Calmed Chaos.”
God is so big. I absolutely cannot believe what He has done. We have our moments for sure, but mostly our home is not chaos. Not even close. And that was a process.
So, because I think it’s fascinating, I thought you might be interested as well. Practically, what did this process look like.
I have to start with food. Because it felt so big. I had been warned about children from foster care and their obsession with food. Oh. My. Word. It was next level. Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa wanted to eat constantly. They were constantly “starving.” And they were picky. I was talking about food all day.
I really try to be honest with you guys. I don’t want to leave out pertinent nuggets. So, I think it’s important that you know that I had an eating disorder for many years. It was pretty bad and extremely consuming. But, through God’s goodness, I no longer struggle in that area. I have a mostly healthy view of food. I try to think in terms of what will fuel my body with some treats thrown in here and there. I rarely weigh. In fact, I haven’t stepped on a scale in at least 6 months. I used to weigh 5 times a day. I used to sneak a scale on vacation. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.
Have I mentioned that I went from 2 to 5 kids overnight? Overnight. I still can’t believe that. And I experienced it. I wanted all 5 of my children to feel loved and cared for. But this food thing. Was not sustainable.
My Fab 5 have been so patient with me. And they have taught me so much. They have taught me that what they want is the truth. They learn best that way.
So, I explained food to them. I explained that food is mostly fuel with fun treats every so often. I told them that begging for food was over. Keep in mind they had built up a bit of trust in me by this point. And they cared that I was always in the kitchen and falling behind in every other way. I set up a schedule with 3 meal times and 1 snack time. For breakfast they had a few choices. I always told them the one I would choose and the one that would help them feel fullest. They chose what they chose but understood there would be no food until lunch. Then for lunch, they got 1 main thing and 2 sides. There was a list of choices. I offered my advice but ultimately they were the ones that had to make it until snack time. Then, came the 3 o’clock snack. I think you get the idea. Oh. And dinner. Was on their plate. No choices.
I’m sure you can imagine. It was not easy. 20 minutes after a meal or snack they would be “starving.” And it had to be a process. I had to be patient and gracious. I could not be rigid. Because food is often a trigger for foster children. And that was certainly true in our home. But, in the Lord’s goodness, our children were receptive. And they appreciated the structure. Eventually when children would complain about being hungry after a snack or meal I could say, “Oh. I’m sorry. Lesson learned. I guess you’ll choose more wisely next time.” And that child would agree.
I am a student of my children. I pay attention. We make adjustments as they grow or when they are even more active than usual. Sometimes they need larger portions. Sometimes I can see that they really are starving an hour before dinner and I will offer a super healthy snack or let them eat their salad early. I love them so much and I truly want them to be fueled for life.
I hope my intention is clear to you. I am most definitely not an expert. But I have learned a lot. And I have a lot more to learn.
Life. We all come at it a little bit differently. We all have different personalities, experiences and perspectives. And God can use all of that.
I come at life with all the confidence. I start the day thinking it will be great. When I meet people I assume they will like me. When they don’t… well, it takes me awhile to even realize it. When I speak, I feel like people are interested in what I have to say. Am I really confident or am I just obnoxious? I think it depends on who you ask.
When the difficult circumstances of life come crashing in, I work even harder to keep my optimistic perspective. That makes me happy, that makes other people happy…. actually, it’s an expectation.
When it’s too much. When it’s too heavy. When I lose my footing….. it becomes a slippery slope real quick. And the devil has room to scheme in my life.
I lost my footing this week. And I was falling fast.
Our sweet Caleb requires so much care. Special care. As his parents, Ryan and I do a lot of that ourselves. Then there is the support team….. Our other children, my parents, Ryan’s parents, our siblings, our church, our neighbors, our friends. I am so thankful for God’s provision of the support team.
But there are times we can’t do it ourselves. There are times that the support team can’t help us make it happen. So, we reach out to the professionals. And boy has God provided…. Dr. Glover, Dr. Lovejoy, Dr. Martus, Deanne, Rachel, Jade, Mrs. Rosie, Mrs. B, Lil… those are just the first few names that come to my mind but the list goes on and on.
This week a professional failed us. Big time. And it was the end of the road. A dead end. It has been so hard on Caleb. It has been so hard on Ryan and I. It has been so hard on our support team. Because they care that much.
Having a special needs child is extremely isolating. On so many levels. The guilt is isolating. It’s just so much and so crushing. But you can’t talk about it. What if someone agrees that it’s your fault. The schedule is isolating. The therapies, the doctor’s appointments, the calls with insurance. It leaves little time for anything else. That special child is isolating. People don’t know what to do or say. So they often don’t say anything. They leave you alone.
In the beginning, I gave into that isolation. I didn’t fight for a life for us. Then, the Lord began to change my heart. I saw the beauty of our situation and I found ways to share it. I taught people how to be with Caleb. I had people into our home. A lot. And that became our pattern.
This week I let myself go back there. Back to isolation. So it really is true that a professional that should have helped Caleb, didn’t. Sadly, it’s true. Until this experience I never even considered that was a thing… for someone to choose not to help. It was upsetting for sure. But somehow, my mind went down the wrong track. To things that are not true. I started to believe that we were isolated in every way. That we really had no one. That no one really cares for us. And once my mind went there I couldn’t get it back…. back to sensible. Back to sober-minded. Even worse, I couldn’t stop crying.
But now for the good part. God’s provision. Bits and pieces of God’s Word started coming to my mind. I thought about how he calls us to be sensible in Titus. How he calls us to seek wisdom in James. How he calls us to put on the full armor of God (including truth!) in Ephesians. And how he calls us to carry one another’s burdens in Galatians.
I reached out. To several sisters in Christ. I told them I was struggling. I asked for prayer. And they loved on me big. Because they care. Because I am not alone.
In Ephesians 6 we are commanded to “put on the full armor of God so that we can stand against the schemes of the devil.” God has given us everything we need for life and living. We are set up for success. But, every part of that armor has to be in place. The devil wants nothing more than to watch us fail. When I was immobilized by the burdens on my back, the very burdens I am commanded not to carry, the devil was getting his way.
I was reminded this week that I am not alone. God loved me so much that he sent his son to die on the cross for my sins. Then, he gave me the Holy Spirit, an ever-present comfort. Then, he gave me His Word which literally has every truth that I need. Then, he gave me brothers and sisters in Christ to do life with. I am most definitely not alone. I am surrounded.
I drive Ryan absolutely crazy with all the photos and videos that I have stored on my phone. I am always having issues because the storage is full. So, I decided to start deleting. In that process, I came across this video. It was taken on May 22, 2021.
I remember that day so clearly. Caleb had been in a cast for 2 1/2 weeks. He had been watching all the the fun in our pool and yearning. But he didn’t complain. He was happy for his siblings and neighbors and friends. He would sit poolside and flap his arms… hoping for a splash here and there. Well, there was the one time he made a break for it and tried to roll himself into the pool. Yeesh.
On this day, we just couldn’t take it anymore. We all felt so sorry for him! We just had to get him in there. I remember feeling so sad. And so weary. I just couldn’t do this for 3 more weeks. I couldn’t watch him miss out. Summer is his season. His time to shine. He waits for it all year. And I just couldn’t carry him anymore. Plus, Dr. Martus had thrown out the S-word. Surgery. Ugh.
Here we are, two months later. The casts are off. Caleb is walking again (which was a process). He didn’t have to have surgery or even Physical Therapy (because our pool served as PT). The Lord carried us through. In His strength. And what has my response been to all of these blessings…. Well, I’ve moved on. To a new list of wants and worries.
I feel so ashamed. As I watched that video, that is all I could think about. Why am I so ungrateful? When the Lord reached so far down and saved my wretched heart all those years ago, did He know I would be so ungrateful? Yes. Of course He did. And he saved me anyway.
Cheyenne and Alexa did not know what to make of Caleb when they first met him. Alexa was actually afraid of him. Cheyenne thought he was gross. I was crushed. Devastated. Overwhelmed. I begged the Lord to give these girls a love for their brother. And He did. It actually didn’t even take very long. At all. And boy do they love him big. They were so so so excited that he was able to get in the water that day. As I watched those sweet girls in that video I cried. The happiest tears. The way they look at him. The way they are so comfortable with him. When Cheyenne rubbed the water over his belly or when Alexa touched his face. The way they both delighted in his happiness….. it took my breath away. I really just can’t believe that the Lord answered my prayer so much bigger than I could have ever even begun to think or imagine. How can I not have faith as I pray? But I don’t always. However, I am growing. I really do see that and it’s so encouraging. God can really do anything when he can conform someone like me to be more like Him and less like me. Praise Jesus. To Him be all the glory, honor and praise.
Silas. So steadfast. He is always right there. Always looking for ways to make life a little easier on Caleb. When Si was a baby I was so worried. About so much. Mostly, I worried that he would be resentful of Caleb. For all the time and attention he required. Nope. Never. Instead, he just came right alongside. I never even thought to pray for that. But God gave it to us anyway.
Collin was in the pool that day too. Observing. He is never far. He was worried. He wanted it for Caleb but didn’t know if it would work. He was so happy once he processed it all. He talked about it a lot afterwards. Sweet Collin. He struggles to live in the moment and enjoy it right then. But he is learning and growing all the time. Another answered prayer.
Watching my sweet husband go the extra mile….. well, it’s just no surprise. I take that for granted. Because he always does. For the weeks before and the weeks after this video he did so much heavy lifting with Caleb. He carried him up and down the stairs every day because he wanted Caleb to be able to sleep in his own bed and in his own room. He lifted him in and out of cars, transferred him to dining chairs, toilets and couches, he pushed him on long walks…. daily and without complaining. You would think he would put his foot down on heaving that 145 pound boy (who is dead weight by the way) in and out of the pool. I mean it was completely unnecessary. Not Ryan. He did it gladly. And with all the love and care.
So, how can I do better? How can I pray with all the faith? How can I look hard for God’s answers and then be grateful as they come? I have to be intentional. When I was preparing to run a half marathon I had to train hard. I had to be intentional. And I did it. Because I wanted to. Because I cared enough. Because I devoted the time and the energy. And I believed I could. And my God deserves so much more.
Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Sunshine Soldier 