All is well. Sometimes a mama just can’t sleep. Sometimes the thoughts are just so swim-y. Sometimes the heart and mind are just too excited. And too thankful.
Of course, I have a lot of conversations about Silas. About how he is doing. About what he has been through. About what we have all been through. And most importantly, about what the Lord has done.
One thing that has been really unexpected about this process, is the un-puzzling. I have mentioned it several times in regard to Silas. But, I am experiencing it as well. So much happened from May 31 to June 20. So much hard. So much good. And often those 2 things were happening at the same time. It was often too much for the heart and mind to process in real time. So, here I am, un-puzzling away at 4 am on a Sunday morning.
Si Update #24 said this: “Heart rate low. Please pray.”
That was a Sunday morning. It was day 5 in the ICU. We had been riding that torture device non-stop for 5 days. We were realizing that we were nowhere near the end. One of the neuro doctors on call talked to Ryan and I about life outside the hospital. He told us that way too often he sees families “holding vigil” at the hospital. They are consumed with someone who might not even survive. He reminded us that there is life outside the hospital. That our other people need us. So, we tried to find some kind of balance.
On that particular morning, I went to the hospital alone. Ryan stayed home to spend some time with our other children after allowing me to do the same the day before. When I arrived, it was obvious that things were not good.
By Day 5, we knew some things. When the big double doors opened that lead into ICU, I looked down that hallway and saw lots of doctors and nurses in the room with Silas. Not good.
I walked toward the room on shaky legs. Every muscle in my body felt weak. When I looked at Silas, he looked so sick. When I looked at the monitors, I felt sick. His heart rate was so low. His ICP (Intra Cranial Pressure) was so high. I felt my knees buckling and they asked me to leave. They needed more people in the room and I was in the way. I turned and walked back down that hallway and out of the big double doors. And my knees buckled. I dropped. Hard. I posted update #24 and then I sobbed. I tried so hard to pray. But my mind was completely blank. I simply cried out, “Lord, Lord.”
That post was at 9:37 am. I later found out that our church stopped Sunday School and cried out to the Lord for Silas. I found out about so many other people that stopped in that moment and did the same.
God’s Word is so very rich. It gives us everything we need for life and living. Romans 8:26 reminds us that the Holy Spirit Himself intercedes for us when our groanings are too deep for words. In Exodus 17, Moses could not hold his hands up any longer to defeat the Amalekites. So, Aaron and Hur came on either side of him and held his hands up for him.
I am so thankful to the Holy Spirit for interceding in prayer for me in that moment. I am so thankful for all of you who came alongside.
Ryan ended up coming to the hospital. Our neighbors, Brent and Candy, came home from church so that he could. Candy stayed with our other children and Brent brought Ryan to the hospital. We were surrounded on all sides. And the Lord sustained us.
And it continued to be a hard day. Pneumonia set in. Silas needed a CT scan but was too unstable to get one. And the Lord sustained us.
This Tuesday, around 8:30 am, Silas and I will be walking through those ICU double doors again. With cake pops in hand. Oh what a work the Lord has done.
Please pray for Silas as he continues to un-puzzle. His vision is improving a bit (praise Jesus!) and he has been able to start reading the Silas Updates starting at the beginning. It’s just a lot to process. Please pray that his heart is encouraged and that his faith grows as he reads about all that the Lord has done.
Silas is a disciple of Jesus Christ. He has been used already in such a mighty way. If you have not read his testimony, here it is…
Sunshine Soldier 
Thank you for sharing your heart & Silas’ journey with us. May we always lean on God’s promises & may we always continue to grow closer to Him in all ways. I’m thankful for the Atkinson family for inspiring me to give it all to God. Silas, when you read this remember that your school momma loves you & is forever grateful for YOU!
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Cindy, thank you for posting this. We are so grateful to God for what we are all learning in this process of Silas’ healing. We will continue to pray…believing and rejoicing in what God is showing all of us. We love you and your family and are so grateful to God for all of you!
Aunt Linda
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And on this day at 9:50 am the tears will not stop running down my face as I read your words friend. I love you so much. I love Si so much. I love every precious member of your family so much. I love the Lord so much and love how well He has loved you. More than any of us ever can. He is so good. Thank you for sharing- for allowing yourself to process and feel the pain and fear so that God can knit you back together even stronger. I love you.
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