The Fish Bowl

I make so many mistakes. Some are out of ignorance. Some are flat out sin. Some go back and forth and in between.

As I grow in my walk with the Lord, I see my mistakes more quickly. I am quicker to confess and repent. And the evidence is there that the Lord is guiding me. He’s giving me wisdom. Through the Holy Spirit and through his Word. Through other believers.

We are all in different circumstances. And the wisdom is there for all of them. No matter how “complicated.”

I have never met anyone in my exact same circumstance. Let’s just start with one factor. The Caleb factor. I have never met anyone like Caleb. Never. So parenting him has been quite a challenge right from the start. The financial stress alone was enough to do me in. But it didn’t stop there. He had impulse control issues, sleeping issues, developmental issues, etc. For way to long, I was drowning. I was carrying a burden that was not mine to carry. I was not seeking wisdom from God’s Word or from God’s people. I was selfish and I had no desire to change that. Then, God began to change my heart. That drowning feeling lifted. My mind settled. My heart stopped thumping out of my chest. My stomach quit hurting. Relationships became a reality again in my life. And I was even able to serve.

I have lived in a fish bowl for many years. It started with Caleb. So many people are all up in our business… doctors, therapists, educators. And those are just the professionals. But there is also the public. You would not believe the things people say to me. Complete strangers. I resented the fish bowl so much in the beginning. Then, I became accustomed to it. Then, I realized it was a tool. A precious tool. God’s tool. People were watching us. It was an opportunity to shine our lights for Him.

I am still right in that fish bowl. Even more so. Because I now have 5 children. I have learned that in the eyes of many, 4 children is acceptable. Anything beyond that. Is weird.

So now, when I take my Fab 5 out anywhere, people watch us. And they often comment. But we don’t care. We are proud to be the Atkinson 7. Also, people are often quite encouraging. We hear a lot about the way that Silas, Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa treat Caleb. We also hear a lot about the way that they all treat each other. We live in a world where genuine love and kindness make quite the impact.

The hardest fish bowl for me, is the one in my home. My family is watching me. All the time. They are learning from me. The good and the bad. There is so much to figure out. So much to piece together.

I spend so much time trying to plant and water seeds of truth. If I’m being honest, sometimes it feels like an exercise in futility. And that’s hard. Really hard. But then there are the other times. The times when those truths are sticking. The times when those truths are being applied. The times when they are working hard to process those truths and believe them in their hearts.

December was a good month in my little fish bowl. I had so many “if I could only freeze time” moments.

Collin is bright. Really bright. But, communication with him can be a challenge. Because of words. He often doesn’t have the words for what he wants to say. When he does have the words, he has trouble organizing them. Then, on top of that, he has 4 siblings that talk. A lot. So he has trouble getting a word in edgewise. But, most nights, you will find Collin and I tucked away in his room from 7 to 7:30. And that is when I hear his heart. And I am so encouraged. I can’t believe this precious boy. He hasn’t missed a thing. So often I think we are not getting through to him, but really, he’s just processing….. and in the end… he gets it.

Alexa is an external processor. I pretty much know what she is thinking all the time. But in the last month, oh my goodness, I’m just so excited about what she is thinking/saying. She has talked so much about the desires of her heart. She wants to grow up to be a godly woman. In all the ways. She has also talked so much about God, our creator and sustainer of life. I was making reindeer cake pops a few weeks ago and she was right there by my side. She said, “Mom, I love how all the reindeer are just a little bit different. It reminds me of how God makes all of us different. And how he loves us all. And how he thinks we are all so beautiful.”

I read aloud to Cheyenne most nights before she goes to bed. We get cozy on my bed, she loops her left arm through my right arm, and we read. Recently, we read “The Giver” by Lois Lowry. We liked it so much that we are now reading the companion book “Gathering Blue.” Man. We had the best conversations surrounding “The Giver.” Basically, it’s about a community where absolutely everything is controlled by the government to achieve “sameness”. Everyone is assigned spouses and children and jobs. There is no sickness or sadness or anxiety. There are no trials. There is also no love. Cheyenne couldn’t stand it. She could not stand the very idea of her life without love. The book reminded her (and me!) to be thankful for it. Daily. Love is truly a gift from the Lord.

Silas is growing into a young man right before my eyes. I firmly believe that he grows taller every single night as he sleeps. The moments with him are fleeting I know. He will be 14 in February. He will be 18 in four years. He is talking more and more about his future career and family. So precious. In a lot of ways he is my friend. We absolutely love hanging out together. He has my love of running which has been such a surprise blessing! I love it when we can run together. The last week of school before Christmas he had a day off that no one else did. So, obviously we went to Dollywood and took advantage of no lines. We rode so many rollercoasters… the Wild Eagle had a zero minute wait!!!

Caleb has always been super connective and social. For many years, I was involved in his relationships. I had to translate or coach. Not anymore. He has so many friends that are his only. And they love him so much. They have come right alongside. They love spending time with him. And they now translate and coach too. What a blessing these sweet friends have been. A few weeks before Christmas I got to go on a field trip with Caleb to the mall. He had peer tutors that stayed with him the whole time. They were so above and beyond. So sweet. So encouraging. Caleb wanted to sit on Santa’s lap but he was too terrified. Those friends would not stop until it happened. We would get so close then Caleb would scream and run by as fast as he could. His friends never got frustrated. And they never gave up. Honestly, I would have. I didn’t think there was a chance in the world that he would do it. Boy was I wrong.

I sometimes grow weary of being watched. Of being in the fish bowl. But I am seeing again and again that God can use me in any circumstance. When I am thriving, when I am falling and when I am failing. God can truly use it all.

December 2021 “if I could only freeze time” moments…