Running the Race

I drive Ryan absolutely crazy with all the photos and videos that I have stored on my phone. I am always having issues because the storage is full. So, I decided to start deleting. In that process, I came across this video. It was taken on May 22, 2021.

I remember that day so clearly. Caleb had been in a cast for 2 1/2 weeks. He had been watching all the the fun in our pool and yearning. But he didn’t complain. He was happy for his siblings and neighbors and friends. He would sit poolside and flap his arms… hoping for a splash here and there. Well, there was the one time he made a break for it and tried to roll himself into the pool. Yeesh.

On this day, we just couldn’t take it anymore. We all felt so sorry for him! We just had to get him in there. I remember feeling so sad. And so weary. I just couldn’t do this for 3 more weeks. I couldn’t watch him miss out. Summer is his season. His time to shine. He waits for it all year. And I just couldn’t carry him anymore. Plus, Dr. Martus had thrown out the S-word. Surgery. Ugh.

Here we are, two months later. The casts are off. Caleb is walking again (which was a process). He didn’t have to have surgery or even Physical Therapy (because our pool served as PT). The Lord carried us through. In His strength. And what has my response been to all of these blessings…. Well, I’ve moved on. To a new list of wants and worries.

I feel so ashamed. As I watched that video, that is all I could think about. Why am I so ungrateful? When the Lord reached so far down and saved my wretched heart all those years ago, did He know I would be so ungrateful? Yes. Of course He did. And he saved me anyway.

Cheyenne and Alexa did not know what to make of Caleb when they first met him. Alexa was actually afraid of him. Cheyenne thought he was gross. I was crushed. Devastated. Overwhelmed. I begged the Lord to give these girls a love for their brother. And He did. It actually didn’t even take very long. At all. And boy do they love him big. They were so so so excited that he was able to get in the water that day. As I watched those sweet girls in that video I cried. The happiest tears. The way they look at him. The way they are so comfortable with him. When Cheyenne rubbed the water over his belly or when Alexa touched his face. The way they both delighted in his happiness….. it took my breath away. I really just can’t believe that the Lord answered my prayer so much bigger than I could have ever even begun to think or imagine. How can I not have faith as I pray? But I don’t always. However, I am growing. I really do see that and it’s so encouraging. God can really do anything when he can conform someone like me to be more like Him and less like me. Praise Jesus. To Him be all the glory, honor and praise.

Silas. So steadfast. He is always right there. Always looking for ways to make life a little easier on Caleb. When Si was a baby I was so worried. About so much. Mostly, I worried that he would be resentful of Caleb. For all the time and attention he required. Nope. Never. Instead, he just came right alongside. I never even thought to pray for that. But God gave it to us anyway.

Collin was in the pool that day too. Observing. He is never far. He was worried. He wanted it for Caleb but didn’t know if it would work. He was so happy once he processed it all. He talked about it a lot afterwards. Sweet Collin. He struggles to live in the moment and enjoy it right then. But he is learning and growing all the time. Another answered prayer.

Watching my sweet husband go the extra mile….. well, it’s just no surprise. I take that for granted. Because he always does. For the weeks before and the weeks after this video he did so much heavy lifting with Caleb. He carried him up and down the stairs every day because he wanted Caleb to be able to sleep in his own bed and in his own room. He lifted him in and out of cars, transferred him to dining chairs, toilets and couches, he pushed him on long walks…. daily and without complaining. You would think he would put his foot down on heaving that 145 pound boy (who is dead weight by the way) in and out of the pool. I mean it was completely unnecessary. Not Ryan. He did it gladly. And with all the love and care.

So, how can I do better? How can I pray with all the faith? How can I look hard for God’s answers and then be grateful as they come? I have to be intentional. When I was preparing to run a half marathon I had to train hard. I had to be intentional. And I did it. Because I wanted to. Because I cared enough. Because I devoted the time and the energy. And I believed I could. And my God deserves so much more.

Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.