Collin James (age 8)

Collin is fascinating. It has been so much fun to think about our fabulous 5, individually. I am realizing that Collin is the hardest to put into words, words that everyone will understand. What if you don’t understand how special he is? So let’s just start there. He is special. Ok. Phew. Pressure’s off.

Collin was hurting, now Collin is healing. Some hurts are so tiny. All you need is one of those tiny circle band-aids and you are on your way. Some hurts are so deep and so wide that you can’t even see them. No band-aid will fix them. That was Collin. So full of hurt and pain. I think for most boys, words are hard. They just don’t come naturally. But for Collin, words were impossible. A lot. There was a time when he was so full of hurt that he couldn’t even identify what they were, much less put words to them. What he needed was unconditional love and security. A soft place to mess up. And learn. Collin is incredibly teachable. He is even more teachable now that the chaos in his mind and heart and life have settled. He is constantly trying to figure it out. He wants to understand himself and others.

I might feel the most protective of Collin. I feel like he is the most misunderstood. He is not as bright and shiny as some of his siblings, he doesn’t attract people’s attention. He is the hardest to get to know. But when you break through with him, there is nothing like it.

Collin is thoughtful. So very thoughtful. Today, I had the tedious task of putting tabs in Cheyenne’s new Bible for school. 66 tabs that had to go on perfectly. Collin decided to be my assistant. He got his new Bible and sat right next to me. He said, “Mom, I will go one book ahead of you in my Bible so that you will know what tab comes next.” My water bottle was sitting there. He picked it up and said, “Mom. It’s full! You are never going to get your second cup of coffee (I have to drink 30 oz of water before I can have my afternoon cup) unless you start drinking. So, you drink water every time I am flipping pages in my Bible. Then, when you are done, I will fix you a cup of coffee.” And he wasn’t kidding! Every time he was flipping he would remind me to drink. When I finally finished my water he said, “I am going to set a 5 minute timer so your water can settle. Then I will fix your coffee.” Five minutes later he jumped up, got my yellow mug that says “happy” on it, and fixed my coffee just the way I like it with sugar and almond milk creamer. It was the best cup of coffee I have ever had.

Collin thinks about the future a lot. He definitely wants a mega-mansion. But mostly he talks about being a dad. He thinks his dad is the ACTUAL best (That’s fair. He is.) A lot of what Ryan does is super meaningful to Collin. “When I am a dad I am going to fix breakfast for my kids on Saturdays too.” “When I am a dad I am going to take my kids mountain biking. And it’s ok if I have girls, I will teach them to love it too.” He sees and appreciates all that Ryan and I do for him. It means so much to him that we take care of him.

Collin is smart. For a long time he really didn’t believe that. He believed, way down deep in his core, that he was dumb. That he was worthless. Finally, he is seeing the light. He is starting to see that God made him exactly as He intended. And that he is smart. That he is loved. That he has value. His teacher, Mrs. Lawson, has been really integral in this process. She is so encouraging. She hugs him and rubs his head. She is glad to spend time with him every school day. She writes his good grades really big on his paper, often with an encouraging note. She is precious.

Collin is number four of our Fabulous 5. I feel a little bad for him. He is not viewed as number four a lot. He and Alexa are kind of lumped together. People often think they are twins. He absolutely HATES that. But, they are only 10 months apart so I get it! But man he loves his siblings. He will happily play with any of the four of them for hours. It means something that they are making the choice to play with him. At school, Cheyenne, Collin and Alexa’s classrooms are in a row in the same hallway. He loves it when he gets to see his sisters at school. He loves riding to and from school with Silas. He loves putting Caleb on and off the bus. Being an Atkinson makes him proud.

I am so proud of Collin. I am so thankful for his sweet and tender heart. I do hope there comes a day that he can put words to his story and share it. God has done such big things in his heart and life…. it would be such a shame for that story to go untold.